Evan’s an erectile dysfunction specialist, just in case you didn’t catch all the subtle d— jokes there.
EVAN IS DELUSIONAL, PART II
Picking up where we left off, Evan had landed himself a one-way ticket towards complete and utter self-destruction by deciding to pursue Amanda, who was already joined at the mouth with Josh. Seriously, look at them:
Evan interrupted Amanda and Josh’s make out session – or really, just their general state of being these days – to ask Amanda if she wanted to go to the tree house with him because apparently he’s a 12-year-old.
For some reason, Amanda agreed to go and then had to let him know he had zero chance with her, like ever.
Josh was obviously not worried about Evan in the slightest and spent this time demolishing an entire personal pizza, which TBH looked really good.
Evan didn’t understand that Amanda was turning him down and inexplicably walked away from this conversation thinking he still had a shot. (Also Josh’s moaning is out of control. Why is it so loud???)
COCKTAIL PARTY/ROSE CEREMONY
The next day it was time for a cocktail party so Daniel shaved Vinny’s back because that’s what friends are for.
Oh my God Josh was so sweaty. His entire shirt was soaked through and Amanda was still all over him. That’s just gross.
At this point, there were seven women and nine guys left. The girls were handing out the roses, meaning two guys were going home, and with Lace, Amanda and Izzy being coupled off, the roses up for grabs were from the twins, Carly and Sarah.
Christian and Daniel both tried really hard to get a rose from Sarah, but neither pulled off a stellar performance. First, Christian asked for Sarah’s permission to kiss her in the least sexy way possible. Then, Daniel got stung in the chin by a bee. Sarah can’t catch a break.
Sarah and Daniel’s first kiss was so bizarre. Daniel looked like a newborn baby bird pecking away at his mother.
Evan, meanwhile, was still on a crusade to win over Amanda/abandon any dignity he had left. Armed with information that Josh’s ex Andi Dorfman claimed he verbally abused her in her tell-all book – a topic that was discussed at length last week but that apparently Evan just found out about – Evan confronted Amanda about her decision to pursue Josh.
Amanda was pretty much like: Yeah, still going with Josh here, but thanks. Evan, do we have to spell it out for you? It’s. Never. Gonna. Happen.
Josh hates talking about Andi’s book. “It’s a fictional novel,” he repeats through gritted teeth. “IT’S FICTIONAL, OKAY???”
This entire confrontation between Josh and Evan was hilarious because Josh was trying so hard to keep his cool but you could tell he really just wanted to punch Evan in the face.
Evan was being super annoying but he did make one good point: Everything that comes out of Josh’s mouth really does sound like a bad inspirational quote.
Nick and Lace also tried to warn Amanda about Josh, but Amanda kind of didn’t really seem to care.
Amanda: “It’s just like, kind of bumming me out a little bit. I just wanted everything to be easy. It just sucks that it had to happen.”
Translation: “Yeah, this doesn’t really fit with my plan here so I’m just going to ignore you all.”
Sarah ended up giving her rose to Daniel, sending Christian home, and Carly gave hers to Evan even though she “broke up” with him last week after that awful kiss.
Haley gave her rose to Nick instead of Brandon because Brandon still couldn’t tell her apart from her twin Emily. Goodbye, Brandon. We hardly knew you.
The next morning, the group was hanging out at the house and Jared was talking to Emily with about the same amount of enthusiasm one has when forced to talk to a weird distant relative at Christmas.
Emily is so taken by Jared that the guy could literally say anything and she would react like it was the most interesting thing she’d ever heard in her life.
Jared: “Even like, if I’m watching TV, I’ll have a bottle of wine and like, a candle and like, make it smell nice and cook dinner. It’s nice.”
Case in point:
Nick: “She has fantastic hair. I just want to be like: Can I watch you shampoo your hair?”
Emily: “I definitely don’t like Caila. I’ve always felt weird about her. I always have felt like she’s too perfect and everything is so much like a pageant queen that it’s almost fake.”
Of course, Caila ended up asking Jared out on a date. Jared said yes, but decided he needed to tell Emily first.
When tasked with breaking unpleasant news to a woman who is interested in him, Jared has the most remarkable ability to have the entire conversation without actually saying anything himself. Seriously, it’s baffling. Somehow he gets the girl to break up with herself for him. We saw him do it with Ashley I. last season, and we saw him do it with Emily tonight.
Jared: “So Caila just asked me out on the date…”
Jared: “I really do like you, I mean that.”
Emily: “Thank you.”
Jared: “Alright. Here’s the truth. I feel like if I don’t go, I might regret it but I really…”
Emily: “I get it. I want you to go. Let’s just leave it at that.”
Jared: “Alright. You know how wonderful you are?”
Emily: “You as well.”
WHAT JUST HAPPENED THERE?
CAILA’S DATE WITH JARED/JARED DUMPS EMILY
God, this date was nauseating. They went horseback riding on the beach. They splashed around in the ocean. They drank out of coconuts.
Jared Haibon and Caila Quinn
ABC / Rick Rowell
Then they kissed. Jared got butterflies!
Jared Haibon and Caila Quinn
ABC / Rick Rowell
When they came home, Jared decided it was time to really break things off with Emily because he’s now officially obsessed with Caila.
This turned into another one of those infuriating conversations where Jared says a whole bunch of things but not actually anything of substance all while carefully avoiding eye contact until Emily eventually got the picture.
Jared: “Everything I said last night was true. You have surprised me in so many different ways. But I just think I feel like I should explore things with Caila. It’s just unbelievable timing!” Shut up, Jared.
Emily was super upset and started crying.
Emily: “I love myself and I think I’m a good catch. I just don’t get why other people don’t see that!” Power to you, girl.
DOUBLE DATE IN PARADISE
For the first time in Bachelor history, there was a double date in Paradise. The lucky foursome was composed of Lace, Grant, Izzy and Vinny, who have cleverly given themselves the “celebrity couple” nicknames “Grace” and “Vizzy.”
The date took place at Señor Frog’s in Puerto Vallarta because nothing screams romance more than a disease-infested foam pit full of college kids on spring break.
This was every bit as trashy as we could have hoped. They danced. They stripped. They did body shots. Lace almost got into a fight with another girl who dumped water on them. So much Jersey Shore nostalgia here.
EVAN NEEDS MEDICAL ASSISTANCE, WE’RE STILL NOT SURE WHY
While that was going on, Carly and Sarah decided to have their own double date back at the house with Evan and Daniel.
Carly continues to claim she has no interest in Evan/makes fun of him repeatedly but at this point has been drunk around him enough times that she’s starting to change her mind.
So the four of them sat around for a couple of hours, had a few bottles of wine and played drinking games. Then they said goodnight and parted ways. Evan tried to kiss Carly and she was like, please don’t.
The next thing we know a producer starts trying to shake an unresponsive Evan awake. This was so confusing. He was sleeping peacefully in his bed. Why did the producer go in there in the first place? What is even going on?
Then they called a medic and informed Carly that Evan had “a medical issue.” BUT CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHAT THE MEDICAL ISSUE WAS – IT’S STILL UNCLEAR.
Carly went to Evan’s room to find him surrounded by Mexican nurses and hooked up to a bunch of machines but yet completely awake, responsive and claiming he was totally fine.
Suddenly the medics were gone and Carly was alone with Evan in his room. Before too long, he had pulled her onto his bed and these two were making out as if Carly hadn’t already questioned his sexuality several times on national television.
Evan, you scammer. If this wasn’t the ultimate scam, we don’t know what is.
ENTER ASHLEY I.
The next morning, Jared and Caila were playing cards like the lame couple that they are, but don’t get too comfortable now, Jared – BECAUSE ASHLEY I. HAS. ARRIVED.
That’s right. Ashley I., who was perhaps the bane of Jared’s existence in Paradise last year. Oh and, she’s “still in love with him.”
Welcome back, Ashley I. We’ve missed you.
Stay tuned – Bachelor in Paradise continues Tuesday (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.