Fresh off of calling JoJo Fletcher “naggy” last week, on Monday Chad went above and beyond in his quest to be the franchise’s most entertaining (but also quite legitimately frightening) villain – and he’s not done yet, because the second half of the episode airs tomorrow. (Yes, Chad got himself his very own two-part ABC special. Take notes, future fame-hungry contestants.)
It was the morning after the rose ceremony, Chad’s leftover lunchmeat was strewn about the house, Evan was unfortunately wearing a tank top and Daniel the Canadian was counting calories when Chris Harrison walked in and announced this week will be different: instead of two group dates and one one-on-one, it was going to be one group date and two one-on-ones. Let’s begin.
ONE-ON-ONE WITH CHASE
Chase is a total strong-but-silent type and also a total hottie. For his date with JoJo, the two went to a yoga studio to learn how to do hot yoga with an instructor whose name is Hemalayaa, really.
Hemalayaa started by asking JoJo and Chase how long they’d been intimate together, which was stupid because she obviously was aware of the premise of the show and the fact that JoJo and Chase had barely exchanged three words and were about to straddle each other in a sweltering room wearing very little clothing.
Even though things started off painfully awkward enough with all the required grunting, screaming and, as Hemalayaa put it, the “angergasms,” it was all worth it for Chase in the end because he got his very first kiss from JoJo while she was simultaneously mounting him wearing yoga pants.
Side note: Chase has a gigantic lion tattoo on his left side, which is a lot, but we’ll forgive him because JoJo said she’s “excited” about him – a telltale sign she’s very into him.
The evening portion of their date followed the classic Bachelor formula: talk about love, talk about the future, make out, enjoy private concert by *insert semi-famous country artist here.*
Oh, and Chase got the rose, because duh.
LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX, BABY … ON THIS GROUP DATE
Up next was the group date, and when Chad found out he was about to go on one with 11 other dudes he was predictably a jerk about it.
“Honestly I’d rather not go. I’d rather you guys go, do your thing, and I’ll get a one-on-one later.” That’s cute, but that’s not how it works.
The other guys started giving him flack for being “ungrateful” about the group date and Jordan made a joke about how he hoped for Chad’s sake that it would be a bench-pressing competition and not a spelling contest. Chad did not like this joke at all.
“Are you trying to insinuate that I’m stupid, Jordan?” Chad snarled. “You’re a 27-year-old failed football player. You’ve done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather.”
Then all the guys started hurling insults at Chad and vice versa. This grand show of “masculinity” was very tiresome.
Alex cares way too much about Chad and it’s getting kind of weird. Here’s how Chad feels about it:
A photo posted by Chad Johnson (@realchadjohnson) on
Finally it was time for the actual group date, and we have to take a moment to congratulate ABC because they took the guys to a sex comedy show and forced them to tell their most embarrassing sex stories on stage.
All of the guys got into the fun of things except, of course, Chad, who hated everything about this date.
Chad on discussing his sexual past with JoJo: “She hasn’t earned that yet, that’s not her business.”
Finally the show started, and it was much of what you might expect: miming the alphabet with your tongue, fart jokes, horror stories about losing your virginity, etc. – until Evan decided to risk his life and turn his sex story into a “cautionary tale” about the abuse of steroids pegged to Chad.
Yes, Evan, the 130-lb. erectile dysfunction expert. That’s who decided to “stand up” to Chad. Evan what were you thinking??? How did you think this would end???
Anyway, to no one’s surprise at all, Chad didn’t like getting accused of taking steroids at all and looked like he actually might murder someone. Then, when Evan walked by him to sit back down in the audience, Chad lunged forward and ripped Evan’s shirt. (JoJo only kind of sort of saw this happen, but wasn’t really sure what went down, which will become important later.)
Then it was Chad’s turn to go on stage and he immediately asked for a volunteer, bringing JoJo up with him. She looked visibly uncomfortable but wait – it only got worse from there.
“They know nothing about what’s going on between me and you. So I don’t think today is about the past, I think it’s about the future,” said Chad and THEN HE WENT IN FOR THE KISS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE BUT SHE TURNED HER HEAD AND GAVE HIM THE CHEEK OMG it was so brutal but also so glorious to watch.
JoJo and Chad
Rick Rowell / ABC
I think Alex was more excited about watching JoJo turn Chad down than he would be about getting his own kiss with JoJo.
RELATED VIDEO: ‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Why Is Season Villain Chad Eating All the Food?
Backstage after the show, Chad lost it and punched a door really hard or, as he put it: “It walked into the way of my hand. If I can’t lift weights I’m going to murder someone.”
He also walked right up to Evan, grabbed him by the shirt and said: “You’re going to f—ing die.” Poor Evan looked like he was actually going to pass out he was so afraid.
“It’s called ‘roid rage,” explained Jordan. Well, that’s not not true.
By the time the evening portion of the date rolled around, JoJo was still blissfully unaware of the monster that is Chad and went on and on about how important it is for her to feel “safe” with a man. And cue Chad to make her feel the exact opposite.
Chad spent the whole evening interrupting her one-on-one time with the other guys, lurking around corners and generally making things extremely uncomfortable.
Finally he got his time with JoJo, at which point she asked him about what exactly happened with Evan. Chad told her that Evan had actually pushed him while coming to sit back down, so he shoved him back.
“It’s like the little kid trying to beat up the bully. Like, I’m the bully but he’s bullying the bully.” – Maybe don’t call yourself the bully in front of JoJo, Chad.
Then it was Evan’s turn with JoJo, at which point he gave her the lamest ultimatum of all time: “either Chad goes or I go.” – This seems like a no-brainer. Obviously get rid of both of them.
Anyway, JoJo ended up giving the group date rose to Evan and he had the creepiest reaction ever.
“I feel like my kids will be so excited that I got the rose. It feels like I won for them as much as myself. Love is worth fighting for. Boys, guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo!” – Evan, stop it. Go home. Go home and don’t talk to your children about making out with JoJo ever again.
Chad was shocked to find out Evan had gotten the rose and started making a whole bunch of faces in front of JoJo because maturity.
JoJo noticed, politely asked him what his issue was, at which point he said: “Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now? You’re actually right now vibing this dude?”
“Yeah, and I don’t appreciate what you’re doing. Don’t be disrespectful, I don’t like that,” JoJo responded. “You are being disrespectful and I don’t like this side of you.” YES! YES, YOU GO GLEN JOJO!
The next day, ABC hired a security guard to patrol the house and to protect the rest of the guys from Chad. Fun fact: This security guard was also half Chad’s size.
RELATED VIDEO: The Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher’s Top 3 Tips for Getting Over Heartbreak!
ONE-ON-ONE WITH JAMES T.
James T. is the most adorable man in the world. For his date with JoJo the two got dressed up in adorable old-timey outfits and took swing dancing lessons. James is a terrible dancer but it only made us love him more.
JoJo and James T.
Greg Zabilski / ABC
Meanwhile, Chad was back at the house eating a sweet potato like it’s an apple while Daniel tried to unfriend him IRL, which led to one of the funniest scenes of all time.
Daniel: Let’s pretend you’re Hitler.
Chad: Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler.
Daniel: Well, let’s just say it.
Chad: Let’s not say it.
Daniel: Well, let’s say you’re Donald Trump or something like that. If I hang out with you, it’s going to make me look bad too, right? So let’s be not so much like Hitler, be more like Mussolini, you know? Or Bush? So I mean, just take it down a notch.
Chad: *inserts entire piece of plain lettuce in his mouth*
Right, be more like Mussolini, because it’s not like he was also a mass murderer or anything.
Let’s.. NOT.. pretend I’m hitler LOL **Notice the sweet potato being eaten like a candy bar**. #DoorsDontHaveFeelings #fuckthatdoor #notthevillian #TheChadelor #thebachelorette #bachelorette #chadjohnson #teamchaniel #teamchad #joellefletcher #thebachelor @danielseanmaguire @realchadjohnson GO TO REDDIT.com/R/TheBachelor FOR DISCUSSION
A video posted by Chad Johnson (@realchadjohnson) on
Anyway, back to JoJo and James T. After the swing dance flash mob, they spent the evening hanging out in JoJo’s convertible and generally being adorable together.
James T. wrote JoJo a song and then they kissed and then she gave him the rose. It was all so cute.
THE COCKTAIL PARTY THAT NEVER WAS
The next day, Chris Harrison showed up and announced that JoJo decided she wasn’t going to have a cocktail party this week – instead, she was going to have a pool party because she has a banging body so why not show it off.
As Chris left, Evan followed him outside and tattled on Chad, saying it had gone too far. Chris then took Chad aside and questioned him about the “threats of violence” he had just heard about, and also pointblank told him the guys were accusing him of being on steroids.
Chad denied being on steroids (“there’s no way I could have brought them with me”) and accepted Chris’ instructions to “settle this with an approach that might be received well.”
Chad’s approach? “I’m going to cut everyone here’s legs off and arms off and there’s going to be torsos and I’m going to throw them in the pool and I’m going to f— up this entire damn thing.”
And that’s a direct quote.
Part two of the special episode airs Tuesday at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.